Personal Testimony: My Healing vs. God's Healing

I don't often find myself in an emotional battle with God. Whenever I belligerently point my finger at God, outraged by his lack of intervention in my life when I need it most, I quickly discover I am the one who loses out every time I go down that ill-advised road. I am most certainly always the one who returns the Father with an apologetic attitude. This reason alone compels me to choose who to side with and who to oppose carefully, because let's be honest, any time we transform into attack mode against God, we are opposing him and what we originally believe about him before our outburst.

For most, if not all of the population, the aspect of God that becomes the most puzzling, frustrating, and surprising is his presence, intervention, and timing when we need him most. It feels as though we have a longer list of times where God did not fix things than when he did sort things out in our favor.

"God wasn't there when I needed him most," is a phrase heard often in our world, and can be so detrimental, it can lead some to completely walking out on their belief. After all, who wants to serve, love, and believe in a God who not only abandons us when we need him most, but is nearly impossible to find in the physical realm to begin with? In the end, with this mindset, many would conclude that being a follower of Jesus is a dangerous game because most who commit to believing in God most likely will feel abandonment when they need him, even if they never were abandoned to begin with (we can be confident in God never abandoning us when we look at Hebrews 13:5).

Personally, I have felt most abandoned by God when I am physically sick. For over 14 years, I have battled migraines. In many ways, I struggled believing it was "just a migraine" because it involved so many other side effects; vertigo, numbness (typically on the left side, waist up), severe headaches. I tried everything from praising God through my pain to rebuking the pain in Jesus' name. I even took pills at the right time to get rid of the pain, drank plenty of water, etc. and it still didn't get rid of the occasional migraine. In most cases, I would pray for healing and have others pray as well, and I was never healed. Then, in July 2017, I had a mini-stroke due to a tiny blood clot finding its way through a small hole in my heart. A massive hospital bill and one year later, and I am still taking pills to take the pressure off of getting another stroke. Since July 2017, I have gotten five migraines, so I am still not completely healed.

From 2003 to 2017, the battle between God was intense. I would often ask God, "Why aren't you here for me when I need you most?" I was raised in a Christian home and never had a memorable season in my life where I was on the fence about believing in God. I always believed in God and considered him Lord of my life, but that didn't mean I never had my doubts about his ability to intervene and be the God he says he is. When your sick over and over again, viewing God is like seeing Spiderman when he first discovers he had the ability to shoot a web out of his wrist. Sometimes he used it correctly, and other times he would try to shoot it, but nothing would come out as he would plummet to the ground below, looking like a fool who promises success but fails at every jump. The problem with viewing God from this perspective is that you believe in everything else about him, but you hesitate to believe he'll follow through when he shoots his version of a web. Therefore, you don't actually believe in God entirely.

When the mini-stroke happened, my attitude was the opposite of what most would expect. I could have walked out on God, and from a worldly view, I would have been completely justified. God didn't intervene when I had migraines, and now I have a stroke and a massive hospital bill because of it. Some God you are, I could have thought. Instead, I felt a wave of blessing, because God protected me from far more than just a migraine. His saving grace protected me from long term disability, flipping my life upside down because the stroke could've flipped my health on its side. Everything I aspired to be would be incinerated by this unmerciful stroke. Yet, God protected me from a life I couldn't even imagine.

The stroke, though, wasn't the only event in my life where I had a perspective change. January 6th, 2016, I had a difficult beginning to the new year. Outside of my physical health, I was dealing with additional issues that made me question my purpose. So, I went to the show by myself to see the movie A Monster Calls. Little did I know it would be about inner healing, as the main character would learn some valuable lessons from a made-up monster about letting go during his mother's battle with cancer. The main theme in the movie was that healing often comes to the rescue in ways we least expect. The boy is belligerent when he finds out the monster is not going to save his mother, so he spends most of the film viewing the monster like a Spiderman who can't shoot his web properly.

How often do we immediately assume God bailed on us when our physical pain does not go away. Or, better yet, when our situation doesn't improve when we ask God to make it improve? How many times do we only see the circumstances around us as a litmus test for God's goodness, but fail to look internally to see what God is doing within?

One day, during Jesus' ministry in Capernaum, a paralyzed man was lowered into the house from the ceiling where Jesus was visiting. The paralyzed man was hoping to walk again, and the men lowering him on the mat were hoping for the same. Spoiler alert, Jesus did heal the man, but that's not what I want to focus on. Verses before the man is healed of his paralysis, Jesus sees their faith and says to the paralyzed man,

"My child, your sins are forgiven."

(Mark 2:5)

"Your sins are forgiven"? Not, "Stand up, pick up your mat, and go home"? If I were the paralyzed man, I would have been hysterical! What about my pain? I would question. I don't care about my sin, I want my pain to be gone! I would demand. 

Some Pharisees were in the area and witnessed what Jesus said, so they told Jesus only God can forgive sins. Jesus' response? "Why do you question this in your hearts?" (v. 8).

Jesus understood there was need of physical healing, but he is also aware of our need for heart healing as well. What Jesus saw when he was approached by the paralyzed man was a heart change. Jesus recognized what was in the man's heart and healed him from his sins. In addition, he healed the man's physical ailment as well.

Unfortunately, most people are so wrapped up in the physical circumstances that they fail to see what other forms of healing God desires to accomplish within us. In these cases, our hearts become so hardened by what appears to be God's lack of protection that we miss out on partnering with what God is doing inside of us. 

Bear in mind, I am not suggesting we just accept that God will not or cannot heal us physically because he does not want to or cannot do it. His desire is to not only heal us physically, but to do a soul work that involves a change of heart. Paul writes about physical training compared to godliness in 1 Timothy 4:8: "For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come." In other words, while the physical body has importance, godliness, which comes from the heart and soul, is of greater importance for now and to come. 2 Corinthians 4:16 says, "...though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day." In 1 Timothy, Paul mentions that strict physical training does "little to promote holiness...there must be a deeper work on the soul than any which can be accomplished by the mere mortification of the body" (Barnes Notes on the Bible - Commentary). In 2 Corinthians, we are encouraged that our renewal comes from inward transformation, not by the body. Therefore, what we desire in the flesh and physical is understandable, but our main focus should be on heart and soul healing, because that's what will go with us in thew present and future, afterlife.

Friends, what if we focused on trusting God through the entire process, knowing that he is in the business of healing in more ways than just physically? Jesus healed the paralyzed man of his sins first because of his faith that comes from the heart, then he healed him physically. Though inward faith and trust doesn't promise immediate outward healing of our situation on our watch, it does provide transformation in the Spirit, and God is at work in more ways than we know. If we limit God to what we expect him to heal and do with our circumstances, we will miss out on what he is actually doing through us. Let go of your expectations, let God intervene in his own way, and declare that his plan is perfect. 

He is doing far more healing in you than you will ever know in the moment. Watch and be amazed.

Live Like Intertidal Fish

Intertidal fish are interesting. They swim closer to the shore, where the waves are more volatile and become more intense during storms. The most intriguing about the fish, though, is not their vibrant colors or the unique traits they might possess, but the way they respond to water. On the outside, it looks like chaotic, dark, misty, eerie, and stormy; nothing a sailor would want to be a part of.

Based on appearance, if you were to ask the fish how they feel about this perpetual violence they experience, they would respond in a very mellow way.

"No problem. Just floating along," they would murmur. "Just drifting wherever the storm takes us." Who knows, maybe the fish are completely unaware the storm is there. For any human being, the feisty waves could be reason to panic - and panic most would.

But the fish, not the fish. They are not effected by the waves. In fact, the condition of the waves and the location the fish are at doesn't appear to be a problem. They have accepted the environment they are a part of and go as far as using it to their advantage. Like any other species in the ocean, Intertidal fish understand their surroundings. Because they are a part of violent waves, what appears rough on the outside is calm under the surface. They bob back and forth, working with the current, weaving back and forth without much effort and swimming. The expression is priceless - as if there is no change in the intensity.

Like all fish of the sea, God made them specifically to fit into the culture in which they live. These fish are made to survive the bleakest of weather. While chaos ensues, they remain as calm as any other species.

We are similar in that we have daily "storms" that are known as "curveballs," "lemons," and other more endearing terms. Most would say these storms are so consistent, it is only fitting to label any good thing "too good to be true." The moment a good thing happens, a bad thing follows. The moment a bad thing introduces itself, another bad thing follows. Storm after storm, wave after wave, current after current. They keep coming, and we are often left with are heads barely above water.

Our response to these storms is where we could learn from the Intertidal fish. We get scared. Nerves kick in and we might even blame God or become distant from him. Though he made the waves, storms, and us, it is him we drift from. Sometimes we cry out to God in anguish and present our pleas to God as if we need to persuade him. In other cases, we complain, toss up our hands, or cry quietly until the storms pass.

Though we both experience extreme storms at times, it seems like the little Intertidal fish of the sea have a lot to teach us about these storms.

While no one should feel the need to rationalize why their storms are so unbearable, there is no need to ponder the destructive behavior of these storms when, just like the fish, we are thought of and taken care of. These fish may seem different then us, especially the way they handle pressure. But, humans do not need to be so different than the fish. Just like the fish, God made us. Just like the fish, he gave us distinct and unique features that allow us to adapt and understand our situation as we grow.

Fortunately, God doesn't just show us through the Intertidal fish he made. He also reminded us through Matthew 6:26, which says, "Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?"

God cares so deeply about us, that he considers us more valuable than the birds of the air and the fish of the sea - and he cares so much about them. How much more does he care about us then?

As we approach the waves of life, let us be reminded that we are cared for. No storm is too great for God. No tsunami rattles God. He is not hindered by our complex issues; he made you complex so you could stand among those waves with the courage and strength he has given you. He has you, he holds you, and he gives you the tools you need to ride the waves as they come. Most importantly, he gives strength to the weak and weary (Isaiah 40:29), which enables you to grow in character and hope.

The waves often get large, but we have a greater hope in God and his promises. When we firmly plant ourselves on those promises and the mighty hand of God, we can swim as the Intertidal fish do: at peace and content. And, if God's promise to never leave and forsake us (Hebrews 13:5) is not enough, James 1:2-4 is more than enough to provide that everlasting hope:

"Consider it pure joy, brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials (waves) of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

Or, 2 Corinthians 4:16-18,

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 

Very wise, those Intertidal fish. Very wise.

How to Figure God Out

Most relationships are like rollercoasters - up and down, up and down. And, though some may argue they have one that is mostly up (or mostly down), it is safe to say no relationship will ever grow if it is 100% up. Why? Because we're dealing with vastly different people. Like snowflakes, we are all completely different from one another; different mindsets, approaches, ideas, hobbies, dislikes, and triggers for different moods.

Being different from someone close to you can be difficult. Why? Because life is easier when everyone agrees with you or looks up to your lifestyle. Teams work better when they agree to a common cause. Congregations form when they agree to the Scriptures and the concepts being taught at church. Everybody feels better when the environment breeds a sense of agreement, nodding of heads, and the word "yes" and "no" said in unison.

Usually, when we come across someone too different than us, but close enough to us, we do one of four things:

1. We try to change them.

2. We conform to what they do/say.

3. We completely walk away from that friendship

4. We accept them for who they are, despite being different than us.

At this point, it is safe to say any other response or reaction would probably fall under one of the three categories listed above.

For example, say your close friend does not like any physical sport, and you do. You have gone all of this time avoiding any physical sport with this person because he will awkwardly join in and fail miserably or he will continue to say no. You have spent most of your friendship agreeing with yourself that you will save him the turmoil of wishing he had never joined in on the "fun," so you never ask him to join you. Finally, the day has come when you ask. Well, if you were following #1 in the list above, you would strive to devoting all of your time changing that person's mindset, treating your friendship with that person as if you were a salesperson and he were your client. You expend all of your energy trying to change that person.

After failing to get your friend to succeed at enjoying what you enjoy, you step into option #2. You consider this to be the only opportunity to save the friendship - by conforming to the very hobbies your friend loves. You try as hard as you can to enjoy World of Warcraft, but it's simply not the same as a good game of basketball. This virtual world is too exhausting to enjoy, so you politely tell your friend this isn't working.

Now you are left with option #3 or #4: walk away or accept them. 

Interestingly, we do these things with God sometimes. In our minds, we want God to be a certain way so we can like him. We try to change him in our minds. We use the grace he has given us as an excuse to do whatever we want. We talk about how some of the laws are so "Old Testament." We want God to fulfill our every need and go as far as disguising our wants as needs. "But God, I need this..." We exchange a heart of gratitude to a tongue that demands from a long list. We complain to God and call it "venting." 

Sometimes, we shrug our shoulders and pout, "Ok...fine. You are God and I am not..." We treat the journey like it is something to whine about until God "hears" us. This, like option #1, takes so much energy and time. We are not fully grateful to God because we are tiring ourselves out with prayers that begin with "But God...." Whether we speak these things directly to God or not, we have this mentality that my life will have to be a living Hell if I am going to have to follow him. We are tricked into believe that God will put us behind bars and take away our fun the moment we show ourselves to him.

So we are left with two options. We accept God for who he is or we walk away from God because of who he is not to us. Unfortunately, there are many who choose the second option. They are tired of the mysteries and the false hope and trying to solve God like he's a puzzle that's missing the last piece. Over time, these people move on and accept the notion that God is not worth their time. 

Whatever the case is, each option above takes so much effort. It takes endless amounts of hair-pulling, teeth-grinding, face-grabbing, and tear-shedding to understand the depths of who God is. Most give up. They separate themselves from him and depend on ignorance and/or bitterness to move on, independent from believing in what they do not understand. Some believe the world will be good to them, giving them fame and attention. And some, still bitter, choose to live the rest of their life slamming God every opportunity they can. Why? Because we long to figure out what we don't know. We desire to have life understood. We crave knowledge and yearn for that knowledge to be at our fingertips. When we don't understand, we look for something else to take its place.

All along, 1 Corinthians 2 exists. And all along, Paul has it clear-cut. We don't need to solve God. We don't need him to be like us or us to be exactly like him to know who he is. Besides, the best relationships are not about what you do together, but about getting to know each other. A relationship with God does not need to involve hobbies or the difference between comfortable and uncomfortable, but it is simply about getting to know the deep love that God desires to lavish on you. God loves you more than you know, and though it comes as a mystery, it is worth pursuing. God is the captain of a ship called Love, and he is good at what he does. He is masterful at it. You don't need to be good at it to receive his love. It doesn't need to be your "hobby" for God to pour it out to you. The moment you spend time with him, with a heart wide open, you become one with him. You share his thoughts and think his ideas (1 Corinthians 2:12)

As we walk this journey, many will falter. Many give up. You might be on the verge of giving up, or you know you never will, but you question God. You are angry at God. You don't understand him, so you are bothered. But be encouraged. Paul says, "What we have received is not the Spirit of the World, but the Spirit who is from God, so that we may understand what God has freely given us. This is what we speak, not in words taught us by human wisdom but in words taught by the Spirit, explaining spiritual realities with Spirit-taught words" (1 Corinthians 2:12-13). 

God and his spiritual realities cannot be taught through mere human words. It cannot be fully understood by man's words, but words inspired by God himself, which is Scripture and those who listen to the prompting of the Spirit:

2 Timothy 3:16 - "All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness."

1 Thessalonians 1:4-5 - "For we know, brothers and sisters loved by God, that he has chosen you, because our gospel came to you not simply with words but also with power,with the Holy Spirit and deep conviction."

These two truths keep us grounded in our faith, and because of our faith - being "...fully convinced that God is able to do whatever he promises" (Romans 4:21) - we can be counted as righteous in his sight. We believe God for what he reveals to us in his timing. As we trust him and believe in him without wandering thought, we receive the blessing in knowing more of him and being promised "the mind of Christ" (1 Corinthians 2:16).

We know his thoughts, and he freely gives his thoughts to us. Just be you. Let God be God. You don't need to be him when he wants you to be you. He wants to show you, teach you, and instruct you to see things the way he does. That can only happen when we act like his child, not his owner. It isn't your job to figure God out. It is God and the Holy Spirit's job to reveal him to you. And He will do it. Just listen, love, and be amazed by what he has in store. As we continue walking, running, tripping, stumbling, and sprinting through life, remember:

"'What no eye has seen,
    what no ear has heard,
and what no human mind has conceived'—
    the things God has prepared for those who love him—
these are the things God has revealed to us by his Spirit" 
(1 Corinthians 2:9-10).

You See Ruins...He Sees Rebuilding.

               Ever heard of an ordained city? Ever heard of a city doused in the very blessings of God, let alone man? Well, there is a city out there, and it’s been around for quite some time. In fact, it is considered the “City of the Great King.” Psalm 87:5 (NLT) claims “The Most High will personally bless this city.” Zechariah 8:3 quotes the Lord, saying, “I am returning to Mount Zion, and I will live in Jerusalem. Then Jerusalem will be called the Faithful City.”

Wow. A city ordained by God himself; truly remarkable.

                Another reference in Scripture that connects the dots between Jerusalem and God’s favor is Hebrews 12:22: “You have come to Mount Zion, to the city of the living God, the heavenly Jerusalem.” In other words, Mt. Zion rests in the city of Jerusalem and is synonymous with God’s dwelling place. As a matter of fact, Barnes’ Notes Commentary suggests that “Jerusalem was the center of religion in the land; the place where the temple stood, and where the worship of God was celebrated, and where God dwelt as a visible symbol, and it became the type and emblem of the holy abode where He dwells in heaven.”

                Jerusalem was a symbol of God’s inhabitance and protection over the city, and since God dwelt in the city of Jerusalem, His constant care is over it. Isaiah 49:16: “See I have written your name in the palms of my hands. Always in my mind is a picture of Jerusalem’s walls in ruins.”

This land, the mighty land of Jerusalem, is where God’s temple stood. It was home to God our Father. It does not matter its condition because God was still watching over His beloved city. Shambles or no shambles, God loves his city more than words can express. The city is not beautiful because of its condition, but because of who loves it. He would never leave it nor forsake it.

Most of the time, our circumstances seem bigger, taller, and more powerful than ours. We lose sight of what’s good because our circumstances destroy us. We are in ruins. We are wrecked, beaten, and torn down from head to heart. Every piece of us is shattered, just like Jerusalem.

 Pop singer and songwriter Mat Kearney sings a song titled, “Renaissance.” Near the end of verse two, Kearney sings,

“Humbled, it took this much to break down and understand, Spent half my life on castles made of sand,

Tossed in the breakers in the palm of your hand

Now I can finally stand”

               

                Now, whether Mat Kearney was singing with Isaiah 49:16 in mind, it is clear he is trying to communicate that through his own unfortunate ruins (“castles made of sand, tossed in the breakers”), he can still rest “in the palm of [God’s] hand” and finally stand…whether shattered or not.

                Often, our perspective of God gets skewed when there is so much “bad stuff” going on around us. Sometimes, our perspective comes in the shape of an outstretched fist, clenched accusingly in God’s direction. “Why would God allow this to happen?”

                We might not always get a response we want, but every time we doubt, accuse, and blame our Almighty God, we are the ones with the wrong perspective. Romans 8:28-29 declares, “And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. For God knew his people in advance, and he chose them to become like his Son, so that his Son would be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters.” This is a promise, and whether we are in ruins or not, we can know without a shadow of a doubt that the God is watching over us no matter what.

                It might take every part of you to break down and understand, as Mat Kearney suggests. You might be so broken, battered, and bitter, but God sees you where you’re at and has you in the palm of His hand. He is yours, and he loves you with a fierce love that transcends our ruins and builds them strong.

                God doesn’t see your ruins as a reason to reject or deject you, but an opportunity for resurrection and reconstruction in Him. Those weak points, those crumbled walls, predicate your victory in him and through him. That's where beauty comes from - your need for him (you are ruined) to resurrect your city (he is sovereign).

                And sometimes, it is those very walls that build you up. In fact, those broken, beaten, and battered walls could be the very structures that help you stand stronger than you did before. Who says God can’t retract beauty from those ashes?

That's the paradox of love that we must accept. After all, it is those ruins that are what create a palace in the first place.

Which House is Yours?

If you do not want to read the blog, get the summary in this video:

The Three Little Pigs has always been known as a classic bedtime story that sparks the interest of children around the world. In fact, its popularity has become so immense that there is more than one version to watch or read. While one version is more graphic (the wolf actually murdering the pigs), the other version has the pigs running away and finding refuge in the highly intelligent pig. Ultimately, despite the various versions available, the moral remains unchanged.

"With good work comes good fortune," one might suggests. "Heed the wisdom of the wise," another exclaims. Again, the message stays consistent throughout the decades.

So, it all begins with mother pig recognizing that her three piglets' childhood have inevitably come to a end. They have all grown up and have a chance to put to practice what they learned. The first two pigs quickly grab what they feel will make a shelter to live in, while the third pig takes his time. However, the major difference between the first two pigs and the third is the mindset they have. Pig 1 and 2 want to build a house as quick as they can; the sooner they finish, the more time they have to relax and enjoy life on their own. Pig 3 builds his house out of bricks, cement, and blueprints he has set up. His house is built out of sturdy material that will not collapse; he has a plan. The result of picking these resources means more labor and less relaxation time. Yet, Pig 3 recognizes his preparation will pay off.

As a result, Pig 1 and 2 find themselves buried beneath the wreckage of their own clumsiness, while Pig 3 eventually fools his enemy and triumphs over him. Pig 3, while he spent a majority of the story working, knew his hard work would pay off and keep him safe.

The philosophy the third pig carried with him worked: Prepare in advance what you need to do so you are ready when the enemy comes. The big bad wolf was prepared for a meal, but was the pig prepared to protect himself?

Jesus uses an illustration to communicate how crucial it is to be grounded in Christ:

"I will show you what it's like when someone comes to me, listens to my teaching, then follows it. It is like a person building a house who digs deep and lays the foundation on solid rock. When the floodwaters rise and break against that house, it stands firm because it is well-built" (Luke 6:47-48).

Then Jesus adds what it would look like to not obey:

"But anyone who hears and doesn't obey is like a person who builds a house without a foundation. When the floods sweep down against that house, it will collapse into a heap of ruins" (6:49).

We have an enemy who is constantly after us. He "prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour" (1 Peter 5:8). Like the wolf, our enemy wants to destroy us, deceive us, and lie to us. He comes wanting to blow our house, our foundation, and our security in Christ, down. Not giving up, he wants 'The bacon.' Are we ready for him when he comes to us? Do we have confidence in the framework of our life? Do we trust that our foundation in Christ is going to keep us from harm?

The way we build our house is up to us. We can spend our life without purpose and without being grounded in anything. James 1:6 commands us with a similar warning: "Be sure that your faith is in God alone. Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind."

If we walk in our own desires like Pig 1 and 2, we will get swept away and lost among our own ineptitude.

In Luke 6:47-49, Jesus offers two paths. In each, there is a reward/consequence that follows. Fortunately, we don't have to be like Pig 1 and 2; we have Scripture. We also have the Holy Spirit that dwells in us when we receive his guidance and recognize our inability to run things independently. James 1:21-22 provides more direction: "So get rid of all filth and evil in your lives, and humbly accept the word God has planted in your hearts, for it has the power to save your souls. But don't just listen to God's word. You must do what it says."

The Word of God, including the Holy Spirit, is your foundation. Rest in it, and the big, bad wolf will be huffing and puffing, huffing and puffing, and nothing will come down.

As you live out your journey, are you being swept away, ensnared by the desires the wolf has for you? Or, are you grounded in the Word and carefully listening to the guiding of the Holy Spirit? You always have the option, but either way, that wolf is coming to blow at your house.