Personal Testimony: My Healing vs. God's Healing

I don't often find myself in an emotional battle with God. Whenever I belligerently point my finger at God, outraged by his lack of intervention in my life when I need it most, I quickly discover I am the one who loses out every time I go down that ill-advised road. I am most certainly always the one who returns the Father with an apologetic attitude. This reason alone compels me to choose who to side with and who to oppose carefully, because let's be honest, any time we transform into attack mode against God, we are opposing him and what we originally believe about him before our outburst.

For most, if not all of the population, the aspect of God that becomes the most puzzling, frustrating, and surprising is his presence, intervention, and timing when we need him most. It feels as though we have a longer list of times where God did not fix things than when he did sort things out in our favor.

"God wasn't there when I needed him most," is a phrase heard often in our world, and can be so detrimental, it can lead some to completely walking out on their belief. After all, who wants to serve, love, and believe in a God who not only abandons us when we need him most, but is nearly impossible to find in the physical realm to begin with? In the end, with this mindset, many would conclude that being a follower of Jesus is a dangerous game because most who commit to believing in God most likely will feel abandonment when they need him, even if they never were abandoned to begin with (we can be confident in God never abandoning us when we look at Hebrews 13:5).

Personally, I have felt most abandoned by God when I am physically sick. For over 14 years, I have battled migraines. In many ways, I struggled believing it was "just a migraine" because it involved so many other side effects; vertigo, numbness (typically on the left side, waist up), severe headaches. I tried everything from praising God through my pain to rebuking the pain in Jesus' name. I even took pills at the right time to get rid of the pain, drank plenty of water, etc. and it still didn't get rid of the occasional migraine. In most cases, I would pray for healing and have others pray as well, and I was never healed. Then, in July 2017, I had a mini-stroke due to a tiny blood clot finding its way through a small hole in my heart. A massive hospital bill and one year later, and I am still taking pills to take the pressure off of getting another stroke. Since July 2017, I have gotten five migraines, so I am still not completely healed.

From 2003 to 2017, the battle between God was intense. I would often ask God, "Why aren't you here for me when I need you most?" I was raised in a Christian home and never had a memorable season in my life where I was on the fence about believing in God. I always believed in God and considered him Lord of my life, but that didn't mean I never had my doubts about his ability to intervene and be the God he says he is. When your sick over and over again, viewing God is like seeing Spiderman when he first discovers he had the ability to shoot a web out of his wrist. Sometimes he used it correctly, and other times he would try to shoot it, but nothing would come out as he would plummet to the ground below, looking like a fool who promises success but fails at every jump. The problem with viewing God from this perspective is that you believe in everything else about him, but you hesitate to believe he'll follow through when he shoots his version of a web. Therefore, you don't actually believe in God entirely.

When the mini-stroke happened, my attitude was the opposite of what most would expect. I could have walked out on God, and from a worldly view, I would have been completely justified. God didn't intervene when I had migraines, and now I have a stroke and a massive hospital bill because of it. Some God you are, I could have thought. Instead, I felt a wave of blessing, because God protected me from far more than just a migraine. His saving grace protected me from long term disability, flipping my life upside down because the stroke could've flipped my health on its side. Everything I aspired to be would be incinerated by this unmerciful stroke. Yet, God protected me from a life I couldn't even imagine.

The stroke, though, wasn't the only event in my life where I had a perspective change. January 6th, 2016, I had a difficult beginning to the new year. Outside of my physical health, I was dealing with additional issues that made me question my purpose. So, I went to the show by myself to see the movie A Monster Calls. Little did I know it would be about inner healing, as the main character would learn some valuable lessons from a made-up monster about letting go during his mother's battle with cancer. The main theme in the movie was that healing often comes to the rescue in ways we least expect. The boy is belligerent when he finds out the monster is not going to save his mother, so he spends most of the film viewing the monster like a Spiderman who can't shoot his web properly.

How often do we immediately assume God bailed on us when our physical pain does not go away. Or, better yet, when our situation doesn't improve when we ask God to make it improve? How many times do we only see the circumstances around us as a litmus test for God's goodness, but fail to look internally to see what God is doing within?

One day, during Jesus' ministry in Capernaum, a paralyzed man was lowered into the house from the ceiling where Jesus was visiting. The paralyzed man was hoping to walk again, and the men lowering him on the mat were hoping for the same. Spoiler alert, Jesus did heal the man, but that's not what I want to focus on. Verses before the man is healed of his paralysis, Jesus sees their faith and says to the paralyzed man,

"My child, your sins are forgiven."

(Mark 2:5)

"Your sins are forgiven"? Not, "Stand up, pick up your mat, and go home"? If I were the paralyzed man, I would have been hysterical! What about my pain? I would question. I don't care about my sin, I want my pain to be gone! I would demand. 

Some Pharisees were in the area and witnessed what Jesus said, so they told Jesus only God can forgive sins. Jesus' response? "Why do you question this in your hearts?" (v. 8).

Jesus understood there was need of physical healing, but he is also aware of our need for heart healing as well. What Jesus saw when he was approached by the paralyzed man was a heart change. Jesus recognized what was in the man's heart and healed him from his sins. In addition, he healed the man's physical ailment as well.

Unfortunately, most people are so wrapped up in the physical circumstances that they fail to see what other forms of healing God desires to accomplish within us. In these cases, our hearts become so hardened by what appears to be God's lack of protection that we miss out on partnering with what God is doing inside of us. 

Bear in mind, I am not suggesting we just accept that God will not or cannot heal us physically because he does not want to or cannot do it. His desire is to not only heal us physically, but to do a soul work that involves a change of heart. Paul writes about physical training compared to godliness in 1 Timothy 4:8: "For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come." In other words, while the physical body has importance, godliness, which comes from the heart and soul, is of greater importance for now and to come. 2 Corinthians 4:16 says, "...though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day." In 1 Timothy, Paul mentions that strict physical training does "little to promote holiness...there must be a deeper work on the soul than any which can be accomplished by the mere mortification of the body" (Barnes Notes on the Bible - Commentary). In 2 Corinthians, we are encouraged that our renewal comes from inward transformation, not by the body. Therefore, what we desire in the flesh and physical is understandable, but our main focus should be on heart and soul healing, because that's what will go with us in thew present and future, afterlife.

Friends, what if we focused on trusting God through the entire process, knowing that he is in the business of healing in more ways than just physically? Jesus healed the paralyzed man of his sins first because of his faith that comes from the heart, then he healed him physically. Though inward faith and trust doesn't promise immediate outward healing of our situation on our watch, it does provide transformation in the Spirit, and God is at work in more ways than we know. If we limit God to what we expect him to heal and do with our circumstances, we will miss out on what he is actually doing through us. Let go of your expectations, let God intervene in his own way, and declare that his plan is perfect. 

He is doing far more healing in you than you will ever know in the moment. Watch and be amazed.

Your Herod vs. His Provision - Who Wins?

Let's set the scene. Just like a play, there are characters, a most notably, an antagonist  and protagonist. We begin with a prophet who makes a bold statement:

Matthew 1:23: "Look! The virgin will conceive a child! She will give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel, which means 'God with us.'"

The setting is Bethlehem, which is Jesus' birthplace, which falls around the time of our antagonist, King Herod. While the protagonist (Jesus) and the antagonist have not met yet, King Herod is fuming with jealousy. Instead of initially making his hatred of the 'newborn king of the Jews' known, he disguises his desire to kill with these words:

Matthew 2:8: (to the wise men) "...when you find him, come back and tell me so that I can go and worship him, too!"

This statement coming from King Herod is the equivalent to an Apple employee heading over to Samsung only to "check out how amazing the iPhone X is." Sure, that's probably the only reason. Imagine how bad of a liar King Herod is. Here is a newborn baby, already considered a king of the Jews, and King Herod is disturbed (Matt. 2:3).

Within the first 12 verses of Matthew 2, we can infer Herod's intentions are not healthy. Verse three notes that Herod was "deeply disturbed" when he heard of Jesus' birth. He later tries to cover his hatred by commanding the wise men to find Jesus' whereabouts (v. 8), and we once again get the sense that Herod's intentions are not good when God warns the wise men to not return to Herod

Note: When God says not to return to someone, that person is probably unhealthy for you.

While Herod's track record only gets worse (see Matthew 2:16 and his annihilation of babies), the focus is not on who Herod is, but who God is in the midst of Herod. Pointing out Herod's absolute disgust with Jesus is important to note because his actions during this time would lead anyone to believe Jesus was good as dead. In addition, reading the story without God's intervention in mind would lead us to believe Jesus and his caretakers would never make it out alive with Herod hot on their tale.

Yet, God had other plans, and he would intervene at all costs. Check out all of the recorded times in Matthew 2 alone:
1. "When it came time to leave, [the Wise Men] returned to their own country by another route, for God had warned them in a dream not to return to Herod." (v. 12)
2. "After the wise men were gone, an angel of the Lord appeared to Joseph in a dream. 'Get up! Flee to Egypt with the child and his mother,' the angel said. 'Stay there until I tell you to return, because Herod is going to search for the child to kill him.'" (v. 13)
3. "When Herod died, an angel of the Lord appeared in a dream to Joseph in Egypt. 'Get up!' the angel said. 'Take the child and his mother back to the land of Israel, because those who were trying to kill the child are dead.'" (v. 19-20)
4. "But when [Joseph] learned that the new ruler of Judea was Herod’s son Archelaus, he was afraid to go there. Then, after being warned in a dream, he left for the region of Galilee." (v. 22)

On four occasions, God prevents mighty King Herod's hand from impacting the life of Jesus. Remember, this is the same Herod who ordered all boys between newborn and two years old in and  around Bethlehem to be slaughtered, and it was done at his command. This is a powerful king, yet God demonstrates more power in the form of his provision.

Don't we all have our own "Herods" in life? It might be a big, ugly Herod that shows up in the most obvious ways. It might be an inability to pay off bills, a broken relationship, loneliness, depression, suicidal thoughts, abusive relationships, cancer, a struggling loved one, anxiety and doubt, or pornography; it could be a combination of those things. Our Herods come in many forms, some not even listed. These problems and burdens will do anything to destroy you. You sit, helplessly, watching the world around you crumble because of this Herod or these Herods in your life.

Ok, so we have Herods, and they're painful to think about. But we also have God, and his provision and guidance will defeat any and every foe, no matter how colossal, intrusive, and obtrusive they can be. God had a plan to send himself down to Earth as a man to save a dying world, but God also has a plan for you to be victorious, walk in freedom, and live out the glory of our Father.

We have our battles, but God has his provision, and he is scared to provide against our Herods. There is one thing we can do to secure daily victory in the midst of our Herods bearing down hard on us:

Jeremiah 29:13

"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all of your heart."

Matthew 6:33

"Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need."

These verses do not promise storms will not happen, and Herods will cease to exist. But it promises two things: you will find God when you look for him and he will provide you with enough, every time. There are dark days when it doesn't feel like God is in your midst. You might wonder if you do have enough. Remember: these verses are promises, and God promises to you and I that he is in our midst and will give us all we need.

Don't fret, his provision is always stronger than our Herods. Nothing surprises him.

Keeping the Faith - Runner's Terms

Running is an interesting hobby. It takes time to appreciate, and most of the time, it's like a movie without a happy ending. Why do most of us run? To be happy and healthy. But, when you press play on your iPod, do your stretches, and prepare your 4-mile run, it's not the most exciting feeling. For the most part, you just want the end result. Once you begin running, time halts. Every second feels like an eternity, and every muscle in your body reminds you that bedtime is better than any physical activity you try to perform. You envision an effortless prance through the field, but you feel torment. You dream dreams of bounding with the antelopes along the lush hills of Ireland, but you are constantly awoken by the harsh realities of being out of shape. 

Often, running and life go hand-in-hand. Just like running, life can sometimes be one twisted ankle after another. Eventually, we throw our hands up and yell back, "Why me?!" When we watch the Hollywood movies and look at Facebook pictures of our friends at parties, we envision that perfect society we've created in our head. No trickery, no harsh realities. Unfortunately, what we wish for does not come true.

As life continues taking its course, it continues taking a toll on our lives. We begin to lose heart, and just like running in a race, we begin to feel discouraged. We feel dehydrated, hurt, and our legs give out. Quitting never sounded better. All of the cliche "You can do it!" posters only mock your chances of making it.

Well, you do have your reasons. You do have your excuses. And boy, are they good. They could almost convince anyone that your moping, whining, and complaining is perfectly acceptable. According to Scripture, though, no reasons or excuses are worth responding that way: "Do everything without grumbling or complaining, so that you may become blameless and pure" (Philippians 2:14-15). And, according to Philippians, this means in all circumstances. It does not say, "Do certain things without grumbling or complaining." It says everything.

So, now that we understand when it is acceptable to complain, whine, and moan, we should look at Paul's response to our desire to quit running the race of life:

Galatians 5:7-8: "You were running a good race. Who cut in on you to keep you from obeying the truth? That kind of persuasion does not come from the one who calls you (God)."

The Galatians - the people Paul was speaking to at the time - were believers in God and the Law, but began being led astray. They were runners who were quitting on their faith. Circumstances caused them to throw in the towel. Paul confronts them and asks, "What reasons do you have to quit? You were doing well!"

We often look at circumstances around us and think there are enough adequate reasons to stop running, unaware of how well we were actually doing. While it is crucial to attend to your feelings and understand where they come from, we have to be careful so as not to remove ourselves from the race. Hebrews 12:1-2 says, "...let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith (NLT)." So, with Jesus as our Usain Bolt of life-runners, we can now follow his lead because he was a "champion" during his time on Earth. Jesus demonstrated what a Christ-like life should look like as a human being with feelings, skin, bones, and a soul.

So how can we "run with endurance the race God has set before us"? First, we can "Set our mind on things above, not on earthly things" (Colossians 3:2). Additionally, we can "Be strong in the Lord and his mighty power. Put on the full amour of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes" (Ephesians 6:10-11). Finally, we can "Rejoice always, pray continually, (and) give thanks in all circumstances..." (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 - also Philippians 4:6). There is nothing like combating the world's troubles with praise, thanksgiving, and genuine prayer to our Lord.

As a cross-country runner growing up, the phrase heard most often was, "Pace yourself." In running terms, that meant to save the sprint for the last .1-.2 miles left. The last leg was meant to be an all-out sprint because it was an opportunity to pass a lot of other runners who did not pace themselves very well. As a result, if the last tenth of a mile were run correctly, the runner would usually climb three to four spots in the ranks because of this all-out sprint. Despite feeling nauseous and woozy at the end of the race, there was satisfaction in knowing you gave it your all; you held nothing back. When Paul wrote to the man he was mentoring, Timothy, he said, "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith" (2 Timothy 4:7).

When you are ready to be with God in Heaven; when your time comes to a close, do you want the assurance of knowing that you were ready to meet with him for eternity?  Do you feel you could say that today? No matter what happens in this lifetime, you know with 100% assurance that you did not waver in your faith? Do you want the confidence of knowing that you fought the good fight?

A Perfect Perspective

God is worthy of our worship. We love Him because of what he has done for us and how he has given us a new outlook and direction in life. All of this is true, and it is a valid reason to love him in return.

But what about when our new direction is painful? What if the circumstances and situations in our life don't seem to change, despite our new outlook? We have an appreciation for God and it changes the way we see things, yet sometimes it does not change our surroundings. It does not change the fact that we are jobless. It does not change the fact that we need to pay bills (they don't go away). It does not change the way we are mistreated, hated, or misunderstood; sometimes, all three of these things.

Better yet, it doesn't provide an immediate global need. Starving children are not fed when we accept Christ. Homeless folks are not suddenly given a brighter future. Miracles do happen, but the world continues to be far from perfect despite our life-changing decisions.

Perfect God, imperfect society, unanswered questions; it's what you get when two dimensions of morality meet.

Unfortunately, life does not become perfect the moment we commit our lives to Christ. We still "all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" (Romans 3:23). There is still starvation, murder, adultery, and many other sins that contaminate the very image we were created in (Genesis 1:26). We are a fallen world, and committing our life to Christ is not a magic potion that changes everything immediately.

As you read this entry, African villages are still starved out. While we receive our food in five minutes, locals in third-world countries are searching for supplies for days on end. I would be upset too. I would wonder why God is not stopping this with one powerful command.

As we react to the world's problems, our emotions get the best of us. We are angry, bitter, and infuriated. Why shouldn't we be? People are starving! As a response, we blame the first Being capable of putting an end to the problems of this world. Like a president, football coach, or village leader, fingers also point to God when something goes wrong. He is questioned, interrogated, and insulted because no immediate help has come. On the basis of unmet needs, many begin to doubt God's existence or abilities - we limit God.

Atheists abound because God appears unable to rescue a society filled with disaster, hatred, poverty, and ruin. We murmur, "If God is so loving, why does he let these things happen?" or "Why would I want to believe in God when he lets genocides happen?" 

Valid point.

In fact, these questions are so good, even scholars cannot answer them. The fact is, there is no perfect answer, which is why this is the best answer:

Ask God.

Plain and simple. Ask God. He will give you clarity. He loves being asked those questions because it shows you care. It shows you desire to know what God is already in control of. Below are some Scriptures that encourage going to God:

1. Proverbs 3:5-6 - "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight."

2. Philippians 4:6-7 - "Do not be anxious in anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Jesus Christ." (Guard from what? The wrong answers.)

3. Matthew 7:7 - "Ask, and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you" (Jesus said that!)

4. James 1:5 - "If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you."

God is all-knowing. It is not just who He is that is perfect, but it is how He thinks too. As humans, we have a limited view, so our perspective will be limited as well. But, just because our perspective is limited, it does not mean we should limit Him. He is flawless, which means any wisdom he gives you is also flawless.

But, what can we do? How can we live out asking God and seeking wisdom? Here are a few things you can do (or not do):

1. Do not question God. He is perfect for a reason. Instead...
2. "Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances..." 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
3. If you ask, ask with an open mind. You are not better than God, so don't think a question will stump Him.
4. Admit that you lack wisdom (James 1:5), and go to the two sources that have the answers (The Bible and God).
5. Romans 12:3 - "Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgement,  in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you."
6. Do as the Lord commands, and leave the rest to Him. Psalm 112:1 - "Blessed are those who fear the Lord, who find great delight in his commands" and James 1:6 - "...But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind." Do not ask to argue, but to believe and understand.

We will never fully understand God, but just because we do not understand His methods, does not mean He stops being God. He will not step down, retire, or withdraw his candidacy because people do not approve. Unfortunately, we do not have all of the answers.

Fortunately, we have access to the One who does through Jesus Christ. We can ask, seek, and understand through His lens, not ours. We love to act like we are in control, but once we admit that God is bigger than our greatest solutions, unanswered questions, and unsolvable problems, then we see God for who He really is.

After all, with a perfect God comes a perfect perspective.