My Dreams vs. Reality

 They say dreams are small pieces of your subconscious finding the spotlight where your conscious currently resides.

I’m not sure who they are and I’m not sure if anyone’s ever said that because I’ve never heard that before.

 

…but, c’mon, it sounds scientific and exactly what dreams do.

If you rewind the tape, you would notice I wasn’t your average college kid who couldn’t wait until those four dreadful years were over and I could live out the ambitions I went into college debt for. To me, graduation was the equivalent of being thrown into a world of unpredictable twists and turns, not an opportunity to turn your future aspirations into now. After all, not everyone gets to be what they want after the first try, and that scared me sleepless.

A majority of college graduates have to go through the painful years of discovering themselves before they wind up getting the career they went to college for – if their mind doesn’t change by the time the actual opportunity rolls around. So, their 20s are filled with either one, constantly competing against hundreds, if not thousands, of other applicants who are likely better qualified due to experience or bias. Two, they give up on what gets them giddy and resort to less pleasant experiences coming out of college in hopes it is merely a short-term rung of the ladder to the career of your choice. Or three, they step into something entirely different than what they were anticipating for the long-term and find out quickly enough that they are inspired to call an audible on their initial dreams.

For someone who already questioned whether they wanted to spend their money learning how to teach children, entering the field trying to prove myself to employers added to the pressure to be a booming success out of the gate. I was option one, but I wasn’t thrilled about it for many other reasons other than having to compete with other ambitious educators. Needless to say, I put more on my plate mentally than I should have – most of the pressure was unnecessary considering where I am at now.

I allowed this mindset to eat at me and cause me to randomly burst into tears throughout the final two years before my student teaching semester began. I was stricken by immense anxiety and stunned with indescribable doubt because I didn’t know what the future would have in store for me. So many times I prayed and asked God for a crystal ball to ease my mind. Instead of welcoming the mystery and anticipating the thrill that comes with the rollercoaster the real-world would put me on, I was apprehensive and shell-shocked that the rest of my life was within reach. You could argue I was allowing worry and anxiety to derail me from putting my future in God’s hands.

My two remaining years of college were when the subconscious in my mind was making its way to the surface like a buoy refusing to go underwater. I didn’t want to feel this terrible about the rest of my life after my college education concluded, but like stuffing a million marbles behind a flimsy closet door, the subconscious fear and crippling despair were bursting out of the forefront of my mind – so much for the that part of my mind preventing me from living my life peacefully and with eager anticipation to start the next chapter of my life.

 

After college in Michigan, I moved down to Tempe, Arizona with a college friend. The year my best friend and I moved south, I had a tremendously difficult rookie year teaching 6^th grade (not just because it was my first). Put it this way: Most of my conversations with God sounded like, “I told you this would happen,” as if I planned against God’s wishes to have emotional and mental meltdowns in college just to have my feelings validated a year later. No matter how I write about this season of my life, it sounds bizarre to consider my logic at the time, or lack thereof. Turns out, the nightmare year I experienced was necessary for the rest of my teaching career to take shape. I needed to experience the pain in the forest to see the clearing on the other side.

 

Without retelling the following decade and a half (known as the clearing after the forest of pain and suffering) after college in too much detail, the following school years teaching 5^th grade in Gilbert, Arizona were not only filled with some incredibly blessed professional years, but also full of memories where God proved to me that he can use anyone he chooses to do his will, even if it’s not always easy or rewarding.

 

However, the panic and unending barrage of discouragement I felt in my remaining two years of college never disappeared; they just slowly crawled back into the darkness of my subconscious where dreams and nightmares are created when my head hits the pillow and my eyes drift off to sleep.

 

For example, I once dreamt I was back in Michigan. I was scheduled to substitute for a Junior High class, but the dream started with me walking into the school with my pajamas on. From the jump, I was unprepared to sub. As is typical in my teaching dreams, I couldn’t find the room I was subbing for, so when I finally did find it, I was already 15 minutes late. It was for 8^th grade science, and the kids started laughing the moment they laid their judgmental eyes on me. I looked around the room and realized I was in a classroom surrounded by glass windows twice the size of the regular rooms, and surrounding the classroom were the hallways of the school like a moat surrounding Alcatraz. When I finally meandered to the teacher desk, there were no sub plans to be seen. Only the teacher’s science textbook teacher’s manual was visible, and it was flipped open to a random chapter. As I scanned the room, it was obvious I was flustered and unsure of how to help the kids for that hour, let alone the entire 7 hours. This embarrassment, though not my fault, became fuel for the fire as their laughter and apathy became louder. The worst part was feeling like I was to blame for this mistake.

 

It was no dream. It was a nightmare. Unprepared, unworthy, underachieving, and a waste of time: my worst fear in a realistic dream. That is what my subconscious told me in those two years before graduation, and that is what every dream about teaching has been about. This example is just one of many.

 

The many that tell me...

 

I’m not good enough.

They’ll never accept me.

I’m too stupid.

They’ll laugh at me.

I’ll humiliate myself.

I will ruin my one shot at this.

I’ll never make them proud.

I might as well give up while I’m ahead.

I’m a waste of time

No one should have taken a chance on me

I’m a failure and that’s all I’ll ever be.

 

But, for every nightmare I occasionally have about a school experience that isn’t even real, I am reminded 25 times a day that God’s grace is often revealed when reality doesn’t match the fictional horror stories we make up in our minds.

 

God’s grace, when we choose faith in the midst of fear, proves it is sufficient for you and me because God often reminds us that those lies will remain lies as long as we walk with God to follow through on his plan for us.

 

It sounds like a mouthful, so let me paint you a clearer picture:

- Never have I ever subbed for a classroom where there were no lesson plans.

- Never have I ever had a classroom full of students laugh at my expense because I did something embarrassing.

- Never have I ever been humiliated because I wasn’t prepared to teach.

- Never have I ever gotten lost in a school because I couldn’t find where I was teaching for the day.

- Never have I ever been fired or in trouble because I wasn’t good enough to work at a school

Yet all of my teaching dreams have one or more of these elements in them, which proves to me what God does through you is powerful enough to transcend the lies we believe about ourselves.

Which makes these nightmares, as realistic as they are at times, as silly as the unrealistic dreams where I turn into a marshmallow in the middle of a blizzard. Those nightmares don’t align with who I really am and what I’m really about.

For me, what my junior and senior year of college brought to the surface was the lie I believed that I won’t amount to anything because I won’t be good enough and no one will recognize me as worthy of their time, thus rendering me useless and unserviceable.

That I will be a failure.

And, if God shows me through my career that those are boldface lies, the dreams will remind me that, at any moment, you could lose it all because all of the success you have had is smoke-and-mirrors for what is true: you are not a true teacher because you are a failure.

Again, a lie, just like those nightmares.

Starting to sound like a never-ending abyss of bad news, isn’t it? Well, this is where the good news comes in like that Gandalf scene in Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers. Indeed, Gimli, the sun is rising: Rising with good news.

Growing up, my dad called Satan a lion without teeth. He can roar all he wants to scare the courage out of you, but he can’t eat you unless you let him have his teeth. These dreams? They don’t have teeth when I am steeped in the truth of who God says I am. The anxiety I felt about the future in those remaining two years of college also didn’t have teeth.

The more I grounded myself in God’s Truth and let His beautiful words fill my brain, the less the lies had a hold on me. It’s like when you introduce a pan of burnt cookies to Dawn dish soap: the longer the lies are marinating with God’s truth, the weaker of a hold those lies have on you. When the lies are covered in Truth, you don’t even need to scrape the burnt cookie crumbs off because gravity will do the job.

When you’re head is foggy and filled with doubt like mine was – when your nightmares are reality and feel so much like the Truth, it’s hard to see God’s intervention through it – don’t give up. Remind yourself and even memorize these Scriptures, because they are the Truth and no nightmare you’re living can change them to fiction:

“Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?” – Matthew 6:26

“Keep this Book of the Law always on your lips; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful…for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” – Joshua 1:8-9

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to In God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.” – Philippians 4:6-7

In my remaining years of college before graduation, these were my main Bible verses that played leading roles in my life at the time, and they helped me graduate higher than a 3.6 GPA, move down to Arizona from Michigan, and start my teaching career teaching elementary age kids. Over 15 years later, I am still teaching in Arizona because of God’s goodness, faithfulness, and his peace guiding me through every up and down I experience. These verses were the swords I used to fight against the lion without teeth. The Word of the Lord gave me the prosperity I needed, and his peace and provision reminded me of my worth in Him.

Praise God for his unfailing love and plan for me.

How to Zoom Out of Our Struggle

It was the beginning of the one of the many school weeks throughout the year, the students were at PE, and I knew I had 35 minutes free to grade, check e-mails, lesson plan for the following week, and/or even clean out my personal desk drawers that symbolize my neglect to organize.

Instead, on my way back from dropping the students off at the gym, I found myself in the Dean’s pocket-sized office that comfortably fits three, but is often used as a therapist center for up to six students at a time. Aside from dean of K-6 students, Heather wears many hats between 7:30 and 3:30 including, but not limited to, school counselor, 504 extraordinaire, cross walk duty aid, morning drop-off and afternoon pickup monitor, and teacher evaluator.

At approximately 1:35, she becomes a crutch for a teacher to lean on when he is limping through the week on a Tuesday.

That teacher is me.

I drag myself into Heather’s office, wearing a button-down patterned shirt with purple sharks on it for no other reason than the hope that throughout the day, I would look down at the shirt I chose to wear and think, “I am wearing a shark shirt! What could go wrong? Only bright, shiny moments are ahead for me!” Unfortunately, the shirt did nothing to save me throughout the day, and my body language showed it.

Upon entering the small office, I stare at the two chairs on the left, neighbors to one another and pressed against the wall facing her desk like they would in the waiting room of a doctor’s office. I slump in it because that was all my energy could afford me. I didn’t have the time nor the energy to properly sit up as if being interviewed for a position at EDUPRIZE for the first time. Heather knew me well, having taught 5^th grade on the same team as me five or six years prior and seeing me step in and out of her office for a variety of reasons since she became the Dean of Students several years ago. Therefore, I no longer felt I was meeting her as one professional to another, but as a friend needing a fresh dose of encouragement and some good wisdom in order to move forward through the grueling school year.

The meeting was mostly about one particular child’s behavior irritating me because I simply could not transition through each subject smoothly with his distractive behavior from time to time. I wanted to stick to my mission statement by loving him like Jesus does, being a light to him and supporting him with unconditional service to his needs. The more I tried, the more worn out and bitter I became. Is trying to be like Jesus supposed to be like this? Draining? The thoughts I had were barely identifiable because of the fatigue I felt just thinking about the ways I needed to improve my approach to this student. I was zoomed in on the problem so much, I could hardly sit up straight enough to think of good solutions – every scenario that could help this child fell flat over imaginary worst-cases that would come out of it. Since I was zoomed in, any big picture opportunity to help the child grow was blurred out by the fear that all the strategies would leave more doubt and frustration.

A lot of words and strategies were exchanged that day in the meeting with Heather, bearing resemblance to those past meetings where you walk out so overwhelmed with all that was said, you don’t even recall the topic of the meeting. Yet, one thing Heather said rang in my ears louder than those ridiculous fire alarms that causes everyone to have severe hearing loss:

“Try to focus on the good things happening in your classroom, even if they don’t always come from him.”

Suddenly, I felt I didn’t need to hold on to every word, strategy, and encouragement Heather calmly spoke over me; that was it.

Did it dramatically change the way my school year went? Did it turn this child’s entire year around? Did it completely change the course of my entire career? No, and I would argue isn’t even the means to an end with this student. Ignoring the child’s struggles won’t redirect and lead him in the right direction. Still, it gave me something to work with, because Heather’s point was simple:

Don’t become so narrow-minded on the problems in front of you when so much good is happening, including the current struggle.

Yet, my struggle is common, and not exclusive to my profession. When we see an obstacle in front of us - whether that be a sour relationship, a mental struggle where you question your value, a workplace situation, or issues out of your control – we tend to zoom in on that problem and lose sight of what God could be doing through the circumstance; he may even be providing a way out!

In my Heather meeting, my way out was to see my classroom with a bigger scope while allowing the issues with the one student a chance to work itself out with the current strategies I had in place.

When we think of the Israelites of the Bible, the ones freed from bondage of the Egyptians, a word comes to mind: Complaining. The Israelites were constantly zoomed in on their problems and refused to see the good things around them – namely, God’s provision and protection!

Isaiah 43:18-19 speaks of God’s perspective, despite Israel’s constant complaining and remembrance of the old times in Egypt (Numbers 20:5 – “Why did you bring us up out of Egypt to this terrible place? It has no grain or figs, grapevines or pomegranates. And there is no water to drink!”):

“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.”

In other words, stop focusing on the problems and start living within God’s blessings.

Allowing God to take care of us by providing solutions – “making a way in the wilderness” – is how we can partner with Him to solve are greatest problems! We can see the good happening through the struggle and after it – “I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up…” We cannot see God’s provision today by dwelling on yesterday’s problems.

This includes going through the struggle too! As I continued to press in through the struggles with the student, I began to shift my perspective by trusting that God was creating a new thing in the midst of my troubles. If I continued to receive the struggle as an irredeemable dilemma, I wouldn’t be able to zoom out enough to perceive the new thing God is doing through me and him.

In fact, we can have hope in the struggle, because even if we don’t see the fruit of our labor now, 2 Corinthians 4:17 promises us this nugget of good news:

“For our light and momentary struggles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.”

From a zoomed in perspective, where our problem takes up every square millimeter of our mind, we can’t make room for the Holy Spirit to give us a fresh perspective and even minimize our problem in view of God’s sovereign power and authority.

It is imperative that we partner with God to help us see what he sees in the middle of our storms and momentary struggles.

Do not waste any of your time trying to overcome your battles on your own. You may be able to temporarily wash away the struggle with a worldly lens, but eventually it will only keep you zoomed in to the problem more down the road; possibly even more than you were before you tried to sweep it under the rug.

The key is to hand over your struggle to God so he can adjust your lens and empower you to see the situation through his eyes. When you do that, you begin to entrust him to zoom you out so you can see the bigger picture of what he’s doing with that moment and through you.

Another way to describe God adjusting your lens is found in Romans 12:2:

“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.”

Let God transform your perspective of the problem even if it is likely he won’t remove the problem. When you partner with him, though, it is guaranteed He will transform – adjust – your lens to see the problem differently; from his perspective.

This should be the first step towards conquering your daily obstacles: partnership with God. Declare it, too. Speak life over your partnership with God. Prioritize his voice in your life, because when you do, God will give you peace that cannot be found anywhere else on earth (see John 14:27).

Paul wrote a letter to the believers in Philippi, and in it, he gave the church the solution on how to replace anxiety and fear with peace from God. These verses, found in Philippians 4:6-7, are what partnership with God looks like:

“…in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.”

Pray. Praise. Present. Partnership with God means praying for his perspective to be made clear to you, praising him for all he is doing through you, and presenting your problems to him so he can take of you through them.

This is what zooming out looks like. When we pray, praise, and present, we not only partner with God through our problems, we also focus on the good through it, similar to me focusing on the good happening in my classroom. The best news is that this “good” is not limited to classrooms – this good is God, and he is our ever-present help in time of need.

And he is doing a new thing in and through you.

Do you perceive it?

 

Handling Stress Like Jesus

Stress, like love, is universal. Because it is universal, most people can relate when the common phrase, “I am stressed out” or “I am overwhelmed” is used when a friend asks for an update on life. Aside from the word “stress” being tossed around at most post-workday gatherings at the local wine-and-dine restaurants as a response to “How are you?”, the overwhelmed feeling is often the reason so many see a therapist or a motivating factor for why we leave a high-paying job; it can also often be a debilitating reason we remove ourselves from social circles, a great relationship, or a reminder of why our childhood was considered traumatic. Stress is so powerful, we often get prescribed medications by our doctor in order to prevent long-term and short-term anxiety, depression, or worse, thoughts of suicide.

In healthy Christian circles, stress is met with prayer, intervention of the Holy Spirit, meditating on the Word and promises of God, and even innocent fun activities such as ax throwing, getting a manicure, or grilling with friends and family to wash away some of that stress. Some of those fun, innocent activities also happens in secular circles, but the point is, stress can run and ruin lives if not properly handled with care. Growing up, my dad made sure to enlighten me by explaining the difference between stress and stressed out, the former often motivating us to do what needs to be done and even reminding us that we need the S-word to discover the potential we have to reach our goals. We are stressed because we care about the outcome, essentially. 

However, we stress out because we let the fear of the worst-case scenario will become a reality and ruin our lives, or at least traumatize us for 10-20 years. Anyone who loves you and wants what’s best for you would hope you avoid feeling stressed out at all costs. Unfortunately, “stressed out” is what Satan finds most amusing because it is at this point where temptation appears more satisfying than the Truth itself (see Matthew 4 as a reference). Stressed out does not happen without stress first taking root. Stressed out is stress out of control. Paul, in 2 Corinthians 10, says that to wage war against the powers of the world by demolishing arguments and claims against God starts when we “take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ” (verse 5), because the Gospel of Jesus Christ is persuasive when you observe the Truth of who God is, and when you allow your thought life to turn from disobedience and turn towards the Truth, the evidence of God’s narrative will speak for itself in a mighty way – mightier than any weapon the world uses. Stressed out occurs when we do not take an active, offensive approach to the thoughts that flood our minds when we are stressed. Paul says we need to take captive our thoughts because, just like stress, when we don’t submit our thoughts to God, it can become a destructive weapon that can not only destroy us and the great blessings God gives us (e.g. relationships, friendships, vocations, the will of God, etc.), but our relationship with God. 

If we are not careful, our thoughts in the stressed stage could set up an argument and pretense against God – example: Going from “Why would you do this to me God?” to “You are not a good God, because you allow this to happen in my life.” When we are stressed out, and continue to let our thoughts wander down dangerous roads, we become undisciplined in measuring up the thoughts we think and the feelings we feel to the Truth of God. In addition, we forget that Jesus experienced it too! Let’s take a look at where Jesus experienced arguably the most intense form of stressed out in his lifetime. 

Sure, I would be stressed out if Satan approached me in the wilderness after 40 days and 40 nights of fasting, but I am not referring to Matthew 4, when the ”tempter” came to Jesus to convince him to jump of cliffs and turn stones to bread. Instead, let’s look at the stress Jesus felt right before (12-15 hours before he was arrested) his captors had seized him in order to be crucified on the cross: 

 “They went to a place called Gethsemane, and Jesus said to his disciples, ‘Sit here while I pray.’ He took Peter, James and John along with him, and he began to be deeply distressed and troubled. ‘My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death,’ he said to them. ‘Stay here and keep watch.’ Going a little farther, he fell to the ground and prayed that if possible the hour might pass from him. ‘Abba, Father,’ he said, ‘everything is possible for you. Take this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will.’ Then he returned to his disciples and found them sleeping. ‘Simon,’ he said to Peter, ‘are you asleep? Couldn’t you keep watch for one hour? Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.’” – Mark 14:32-37 

The big argument I have heard when people feel immense amount of stress – you can call it stressed out or distressed, but, in my opinion, they mean the same thing – is that “no one knows or understands what I’m going through.” However, not only did Jesus feel copious amounts stress, but he admitted to Peter, James, and John before his arrest, “My soul is crushed with grief to the point of death (Mark 14:34 NLT)” To me, that sounds like stressed out; another version, the NIV, translated, “…[Jesus] began to be deeply distressed and troubled, ‘My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow…” If I were to describe my stress using other words, I may speak like Jesus did here, though if I were to speak of death within the same breath, I would be exaggerating. However, I don’t think Jesus was exaggerating, and if I were about to be handed over and arrested by my “betrayer” (Mark 14:42) in order to be crucified and tortured to death, I would probably compare my grief and distress to death as well. 

According to www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov, “Stress responses are normal reactions to environmental or internal perturbations and can be considered adaptive in nature. Distress occurs when stress is severe, prolonged, or both.” In my opinion, this sounds like stressed out. An article about stress and grief from www.webmd.com says, “Stress links the emotional and physical aspects of grief.” Meaning, the grief Jesus probably experienced caused more stress and tension physically and emotionally. Whether we use distressed, stressed out, or grief to describe our intense level of stress, it sounds like semantics to me. The point is, Jesus was so stressed out about his impending, inevitable betrayal and death, that he was feeling the weight and pressure the grief and distress was having on him before the events even unfolded. 

Since stress is universal, and we all experience varying degrees of it, let’s take a look at how Jesus handled the most intense version of it (both physically and emotionally): 

1. He admitted his pain 

2. He approached God with it; he prayed 

3. He worshipped God by declaring what God can do and what he is capable of 

4. Despite his stress, he honored God through commitment to the original plan – he did not forget what God’s plan was 

5. He accepted his role and did not complain 

Instead of using our stress as justification to attack God and demand that either he fix the situation or we threaten to cease the relationship, we should take notes on how Jesus handled a level of stress beyond our own comprehension: he dealt with rejection and betrayal from his closest friends, was publicly humiliated, and sacrificed eternity in Heaven for earthly humiliation and suffering. His mission to set the captives free from the bondage of sin required a crown of thorns and unimaginable pain – physical, emotional, psychological. If anyone knew stress to its fullest extent, it was Jesus. And if Jesus could get past his stress to complete the mission, we can too. 

How? For starters, Jesus prioritized his commitment to the will of the Father. Jesus demonstrated what a life centered on God looks like, and his focus was unwavering. In the book of John alone, check out how Jesus humbly credits the Father during his ministry: 

1. “…I speak what the Father has taught me. The one who sent me is with me; he has not left me alone, for I always do what pleases him” - John 8:28-29 

2. “…now the Son of Man is glorified and God is glorified in him” - John 13:31 

3. “…so that the Father may be glorified in the Son.” – John 14:13 

4. “…if you loved me, you would be glad I am going to the Father, for the Father is greater than I.” – John 14:28 

5. “…I love the Father and do exactly what my Father has commanded me.” – John 14:31 

6. “This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit…” – John 15:8 

If we track the life of Jesus, we see how he handled the pressure he was put under: he immersed himself in the community around him with his disciples, he worshipped God the Father and credited Him for his ministry, and he walked with humility and gratitude. Jesus models in each of these verses that God deserves the glory and praise through sickness, health, suffering, victory, and in this case, stress. We may not have all of the answers, and sometimes we may hear ourselves utter a paraphrased version of “take this cup from me” when we feel “overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death.” Yet, despite how we feel in the moment of stress, we can still find the strength to say, “not my will, but what God will.”

Is it easier said than done? Absolutely, but at a minimum, we can rest in the plans of God in the midst of our stress, for He alone is the strength we need to overcome the worst of days. Amen!